JACK HANDY JOKES CRACKED
JACK HANDY JOKES FREE

Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I hope an animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs there because I might think I have a good idea but its really just the eggs hatching. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car. When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. Why can't the ant and the caterpillar just get along? One eats grass, the other eats Caterpillars. And that would give me the time I need to hit him with a real grenade. Then maybe my enemy would pick up the pumpkin and think about the futility of war. If I ever went to war, instead of throwing a grenade, I'd throw one of those small pumpkins.

JACK HANDY JOKES FREE

The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. He's carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That's right, it's a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ‘Hey, look. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.

Some say it bounced clear over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar The tire popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept on bouncing. Pretty soon it was bouncing higher and higher. I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, It'd probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a magazine.įolks still remember the day Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. But then I thought, if a patient said, 'How's my back tooth?' and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, 'Oh it's okay,' then the patient would probably say, 'Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?' and you'd say, 'Aw !!!!#$$$!!! you, get outta here,' and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.Īt first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they dont know Im using blanks.Įven though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampaging in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia.Īs the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year.Ī good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly.

JACK HANDY JOKES CRACKED

Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun. Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. He tried to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm.

One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. 38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and fired. Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the. 'Just where do you think you're going with those watermelons?' I gulped and turned around. Finally, we each picked out a good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants! At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder. I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr.

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